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My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

I simply completed the process of perusing "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.

Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.


This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. My university days was a different scenario with students partying without inhibitions while the school attempts to portray its intellectual capability. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.


Life went on - I became a registered nurse, received a masters degree and went out with a great companion. We drank wine on weekends when we were together and at times during the week I would buy a bottle for myself.

After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. As I got older, the stress of taking care of my parents and my sick child while dealing with my partner's lack of interest and poor temperament altered my ritual of having wine leisurely to a more frequent consumption.


We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.

Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was content at this high point in my life. Soon the affair began to get intimate and suddenly out of the blues he ended it. I was very devastated, it was impacted me really hard and it increasing my drinking habit' I have been grieving the loss at that time.

My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.

I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The inebriated scenes:

  • Getting completely drunk last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
  • Screaming fits in the presence of my kids
  • Boxing my husband in the face
  • An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over

I am in guidance which has been an epiphany'..plus studying Ann's book and now detecting this site and studying alike narratives. I feel that I finally got straight, ready to come home.